The battle culture has given us some fantastic (free) entertainment over the years. Loaded Lux vs Hollow Da Don. Hollohan vs Pat Stay. Illmaculate vs Bigg K. For unwinding with a beer and a big smelly one at the end of the day, you can’t beat good battle rap.
There have also been some fucking stinkers. In every art form, for every Caravaggio there are three alcoholics drawing cocks on a toilet wall. As with the rest of the battle universe, King of the Ronalds leads the pack in this field as well.
You think you’ve seen terrible battles? Fuck No Coast. Fuck Barmageddon. KOTR has brought you some of the very worst rap battles in the history of our species and, of the 80-ish battles released at the time of writing, I’ve picked out the cream of the crap.
Defenin vs 142
Sometimes a bad battle needs time to mature before you can appreciate what a raging howler it actually is. When it happened, this was just another sub-mediocre clash with a few moments of unintentional hilarity. The amount these guys have improved in such a short space of time, however, will ensure this battle haunts them to their dying day.
Defenin called 142 ‘mum’ who, in turn, proudly declared that he’d been smoking weed for over a year. Over. A fucking. Year. Are you mad, son? Fumbling delivery, weak punches and basic structure from both competitors earns this our #5 slot.
Tron vs 142
142 had a ropey start to his career. This isn’t particularly fair to include, as the match went down with just 20 hours prep, but the awkwardness of Tron is a force of nature which demands acknowledgement. Whether his Ash Ketchum costume was intentional or not, neither battler was super effective.
Shout out to the production value of this battle, which was shit. Maybe if we could see Micky’s redhead friend in a better resolution this match could have merely been a waste of time, but them blurry-ass chebs aint even worth muting the audio for. Next.
Murta vs Soliloquy
Murta. Murta, Murta, Murta. Murta has taken being bad at battle rap to levels of sublime artistry that you could bottle and sell to North Korea as a chemical weapon. He knows he’s bad, he turns up every time, grins in your face and delivers bars that would shame any other MC into retirement.
Soliloquy, meanwhile, was clearly of the opinion that his bars were great. That’s worse. Self-belief is important in battle rap but there’s this smug expression on his face that has you thinking, ‘son, would YOU react to that?’ He would not. Neither would we. So we didn’t.
Bino vs Max
We’re getting into the real dross now. Max looks and sounds like the lad from the WMC who the older gents take under their wing until he gets married to some ugly hairdresser at the age of 34. He also has no punchlines. Bino has a win over Chronicle to his name, but really, every time you don’t watch a Words Are Weapons battle, you get a win over Chronicle.
It’s ironic that this battle was edited like a phone screen because it contains… wait for it… no bars. That’s about the level of technical sophistication we’re dealing with in this, the second worst battle in KOTR history. It’s bad.
G Double E vs Seedie.B
Bino/Max loses out on the top (bottom?) spot due to both competitors at least having fun with it. What makes G Double E vs Seedie.B such a contemptible performance is how seriously both seem to be taking themselves. Seedie with his faux-badman swag and G Double with his ratlike glancing around for crowd approval.
It’s a question of charisma, and both these guys lack it in spades. It isn’t even ‘so bad it’s good’ in the same way as some others on this list. This is just Stand Tall, Rapped in Wire, Tesco Value Wasteman-level bad battle rap with zero self-awareness. It is, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst KOTR battle ever released.
So what do you think of the list? Anything you’d change? I know I missed out Ackers, but his opponents tend to be decent. Be sure to comment and share the list for your tribes to have a peek. I’ve been Bard, I love you all.
You can’t copy disrespect.
All Hail Discordia.